Reminder….

Because it’s you… it’s always been you…

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“I’m really liking this. I’ve never had someone I’ve loved, besides you, who actually wanted to suck me because they liked it for itself or because they wanted to service me. I’ve had women who loved sucking cock, but no one I’ve been emotional invested in.” -Daddy in response

I teased Daddy today. I had a strong need to have him in my mouth today. Not my throat, my mouth…. to simply suck him. I wanted to wake him up that way…

So I sent him this…. throughout the morning… while he was at work… and could do nothing…

Sigh

I would have enjoyed waking you up in my mouth today.

I have a strong need today to simply suck your cock, not in my throat… just suck you.

Lips on the tip

Tongue swirling the edge

Eyes looking at you watching yourself disappear into my mouth. Tongue running the underside firmly slowly

In no hurry

Just sucking you

Lips held tight around the soft skin, the underside of my tongue gliding over the top of your tip.

Sliding off eyes on yours

are you enjoying my mouth Daddy?

*Bites lip*

Shall I continue …?

*licks leaking tip*

Or wait until you can focus on me… with your hands…

*smiles* eventually I will enjoy you painting me.

But I will always enjoy your cock in my mouth.

And it will always be emotional for me.

My tongue curling around your balls.

Taking one into my mouth, gently sucking it.

Just you

In my mouth

Me sucking you

Until you cum

Because my mouth pleases you

That’s all I want today

Moving my lips over to your other ball, licking it, swirling my tongue around your sack

Eyes peeking up at you thru my lashes, green and gold watching every breath, every movement , listening to each in take of air as my lips and tongue bring your balls into the wet warmth of my mouth.

Holding you there , eyes on yours… my finger tips move to your cock, over my face, My nails trace the hard marbly veins of you.

Releasing you, my lips drag up the underside kissing your cock as I move to the end, and over the top lips moving across the top and back to the tip.

My hand framing your base, flat against your body, forefinger and thumb secure around you

Watching you as I open my mouth, wide, tongue out, hovering at the tip. My hot breath bathing you in me. Then carefully moving my mouth over the tip, sliding you along my tongue down into my mouth, closing my lips around you, my mouth clamping down on you as I begin to bob my head on your hard cock, sliding you in and out…. not slowly… but at a decidedly slower pace than you want.

Each slide out a hard suck and each slide in a gentle giving way

My fingers moving from your body to the base of you

Wrapping firmly around you

Moving across your shaft in rhythm of my mouth’s ministry to your cock

Feeling your need increase, but not increasing my pace

Steady …. methodical

Just a stroke below what you want

Teasing … building… pushing your control

Your fingers laced in my red hair…. attempting to gain that stroke…

You thrusting into my mouth

Tightening my fingers around you with each thrust

Eyes looking up at you, a small smile in them enjoying watching you want

Watching your need build in you

Watching your instincts start to take control as you grab my head and thrust your hips to me. Finding that rhythm you want

Hand squeezing around your cock

Mouth clamping around you

Sucking you hard

Moving against your thrust out to the tip and back in to meet you… moving at your pace… feeling that familiar pulse underneath

( what do you want baby? Do you want to paint me or cum in my mouth?)

(I want you to paint yourself)

(*smiles* any particular location ?)

(Mouth, nose, everywhere)

I move my right hand down to my pussy and slather my wet over it.

Using my pussy juice to wet my hand.

Letting you skip out of my mouth and gripping you with my pussy hand

Stroking you tightly

My face below your cock, mouth open, waiting for those think ropes of cum … feeling you pulse in my hand as your orgasm starts, hearing you grunt and moan my name, your seed splashing onto my eyes, my Cheeks, my nose, each pump spewing thick cords across my face, my mouth, my chin.

My hand milking you, another rope dripping off my chin onto my chest.

Your head Back lost in the sensation of pleasure rolling through your body.

Holding onto my head.

OMFG- Daddy’s response to me…. I think he liked it….

Willing

Daddy and I **finally** got to play a full scene online New Years Eve.

It was… oh my! He had me rather wet and aroused, and Daddy fully enjoyed the aggressive attention I gave him via the characters we had chosen. It was all so… delicious….

But not the point of this post…

Sometimes in the heat of a moment a darker thought can arise. And one did. I didn’t fully catch it during play, but when I read back through it the next morning. And it struck me. Hard. I had an almost panicked moment… does he want that? O! Does he want that?!? It took a few hours to wrap my head around the idea.

Much later I brought it up, because we need to talk about these things. I need to know if he does, so I can make a choice if I’m willing.

He was already aware of how that idea would hit me and had already decided: 1) to discard it out of hand, based on current boundaries and 2) bring it up so I would know.

But I had several issues with this.

Daddy tells me regularly that there’s very little he wouldn’t do to bring me pleasure. I found myself with the same thought, however I have more boundaries than he does.

Through the course of the conversation I asked him if he wanted to explore it. He kept answering “no, because you wouldn’t enjoy it”. Well… that was not my question… I heard ‘yes’. I heard ‘no’. But I always heard an answer based in me and what he’s presuming to be my current boundaries without asking or discussing it with me.

I had given this dark thought some pondering. I had walked through how it would work and what would be required and the impact it might have on our play life and our relationship. I had thought through my stance. I had more than simply , ” No thanks, Babe”.

However, he made a choice to not even consider if he wanted to explore because he thought he knew I would not want to explore. And I had huge issue with that.

“My concern is you are dismissing it ( and thus maybe other things) because you’ve made a decision I won’t be agreeable ( regardless of whether or not I would be), without stating to me that it is something you want.

Just as you are willing to do almost anything to please me, I’m willing to do almost anything to please you.

But I can’t push my boundaries unless you tell me without making that decision for me.”

He agreed that was a fair point, then made one of his own. There’s a difference between willing and want. I may be willing to explore something, but a topic of this nature requires both of us want to explore.

So I took a moment to ponder that. I was willing because I wanted to let him explore something he might enjoy. But I decidedly did not want to explore it for myself. At least not right now.

I explained that thought to him, admitting he was right on this topic. But I need him to discuss these things with me, and I want to revisit the things we turned away occasionally… as I’ve already proven a hard boundary can turn soft in the right context ( Proven here and Here and Here).

He did eventually tell me he did not want to explore this topic. It was a fun thought in the moment, but not one he wants to be a part of us. I can accept that. And we agreed to revisit it later.

I’ve never had a relationship where open honest communication – from both sides- worked so well and so completely. In those moments that distance creates doubt, I find security in knowing he gives me everything. I know what he’s thinking- usually. I expect certain commands and instructions. And I’m usually right. The flip side is so does he. Because we can speak so openly without fear of judgement, he knows where my head and heart lie. In this distance that’s just as important as knowing I love him.

New Homework: Jewelry

I have accessories I am to wear and get used to. I’ve taken pictures for Daddy to show him how they look, nestled inside my ass.

I must admit. I enjoy them, but it doesn’t take long for that little jewel to pinch!

*squirming* Or become uncomfortable to sit on.

Someone said he was looking forward, when we are together, to removing it from me. Slowly.

Ohhhh…. yes… please….

And he’s considering another assignment… oh… I’m not certain I’m going to like that one, but I will do as Daddy instructs… and I might learn to enjoy it.

*squiggle*

Want

*Sigh*

That I could wave a wand.

Or conjure you up from a simple wisp.

Kiss your waiting lips.

Touch your velvet skin.

That your deep voice would wash over me, firm and commanding.

Your fist tangled in my hair.

Your blue eyes drinking me in.

That your ethereal presence would be tangible before me.

*Sigh*

That I could wave a wand.

Or conjure you up from a simple wisp.

Seasons

Last week I took my eldest and a friend of his to a local Christmas light display. It’s several city blocks and a known local attraction. The other two kids and the ex wanted to come. I’m not interested in preventing his relationship with the kids, so I did not protest.

I sent eldest and friend to scout by themselves. Which left ex and me with two kids. For the first time since I can remember… I was excited about Christmas. I honestly don’t remember the last time I was excited about Christmas. But I could feel bubbling up in me. It was a lovely joyful feeling I have missed for so many years.

And all was well… until he decided it wasn’t. He became passive aggressive and complained about any choice made by others. He stood behind me and growled about the crowds, and sighed and huffed because I was not moving through the non-moving crowed fast enough for him…and I remembered why I hated Christmas.

We even topped the night off with a lovely passive aggressive fight he picked, in front of all the kids.  Sigh… I hate it when he confirms I made the right choice. It grieves my heart that he makes effort to create descension, but couldn’t  use the same effort to create harmony.  And it breaks my heart to see my kids stepping away from him. Stepping away from the only dad they know. His health is not the best and they will wantbthrde yesrs back. I tell them frequently, “ There will come a day, you will long to be able to fight with him” . They don’t believe me.

I know these days will pass. This season will come to an end. And we will survive the trauma.  I know, somewhere in the distance, is the day I get to bring Daddy slowly into their lives and show them what it means to be loved, and cared for and held accountable.  I know these things… but looking into the green eyes that mirror mine and the blue eyes that crave safety…. it’s too far off… too far into the distance….

A Return to ‘Civilization’

The big transition I’ve been dreading has arrived. And I find myself…excited and mournful.

I’ve been a Stay-At-Home-Mom ( SAHM) for fifteen years, homeschooling or the kids in a **small** private school ( we had 27 kids k4-12 at the hight) during that time. And I loved it! I loved watching the light bulb go off in their brains. I loved watching them learn the hard lessons of respect, hugging them when they fall – being their safe place. I loved being home with my kids- inspite of the crazy they produce in me. I actually find I cherish the constant bickering, and fighting and noise… because someday, sooner rather than later, it will be gone. And I can’t ever get that back. My house will be too quiet to think. All too soon Eldest will be leaving for college. I worry I’m abandoning him when he needs me most. My Middle is just beginning to discover herself, and blossom. And Youngest … I worry I’m failing him the most.

But life has a way of forcing our hand sometimes. I have to say good-bye to this season, and return to work. And I choose not to be resentful. I choose to rejoice that I am capable of doing so. I choose to find my silver lining, thin as it may be.

I hired a resume service to help me put together a resume because I was at a complete loss without a copy of my 19 year old previous one. Best advice Daddy gave me in this journey. I must admit … She did an amazing job!

So now the search begins. And my kids are feeling the changes. I dearly wish it didn’t have to be this way. That I could stay home and be ‘Mom’…. but I have to be both parents now and that means I have to be the breadwinner too.

So, with trepidation and sorrow, excitement and regret I posted my resume on several sites and contacted a few agencies. Hopefully this won’t take forever and I can be working by the first of the year.

And my kids … well… prayer is my friend with them…

Uh-oh…

‘I’m starting to miss homework reports’, Daddy said in conversation.

‘I had been thinking it has been FOREVER since I had homework, ‘ I replied.

‘What kind of homework would you like?’

‘Be creative.’ I immediately thought of HeartsHope post about being careful what you wish for… or in my case… what words you speak.

‘Oh… I can be a very creative man’

Yeah… I know… I’m a bit worried now..