Death of Forever

He wasn’t always this way… there was a time… he loved me…

I promise…. Those were the last words of his vows.  He had promised to love and honor and cherish and treasure. He promised to give me benefit of doubt and grace. He promised to chose to love me on those days I was unlovable.  He promised me his heart. Forever.

And, in the beginning he did… mostly. He had just turned 40, and I was 29 when we married. I was a first wife, he a second husband.  We had orchards full of promise, Fields full of future before us.  I couldn’t imagine him ever choosing anything or anyone above me. I couldn’t imagine doing that myself. I couldn’t see a future without him. So I let him write his name on my heart. And I took his last name… and we started off on adventure together.

The first few months were hard. His job was demanding and the hours were crazy-making. He worked the ‘nightshift’. (In his industry, that started at 2pm and went until it was done. Sometime that was 3am, sometimes it  was midnight. But never before). On more than one occasion I would call him at the office, ” Hey! Remember that thing you got to do with your cock in my pussy? Yeah… that was Bc we’re married now. You need to come home.” Sigh… I should have known.

We had been told children were not an option for us. When you’re told your body can’t conceive, birth control is a non-issue. So when we discovered I was, in fact, pregnant, on his birthday, we were shocked, elated, terrified and amazed at the grace of God.  We had that moment three times. Three beautiful miracles.

Somewhere between Miracle One and Miracle Two, he developed a porn habit. Between Miracle Two and Miracle Three… it became an addiction. His promise to forsake all others fell apart. He had no interest in the soft less-than-perfect mom body I now possessed. Even in my youth, I never had a lingerie models body… I’ve always been more of a runway build.

I discovered this addiction one sunny morning… I asked for his iPad to look up a piece of information relating to our conversation.I took it from him before he answered, and I was greeted by a busty blonde creature with her pussy exposed for his viewing, looking as though she was in the throws of an orgasm. I was stunned. He knew how I felt about the sex industry. Knew my very solid stance on porn. As I sat there, speechless, he said not a word. No acknowledgement. And the first brick in the foundation of my marriage crumbled.

Weeks after Miracle Two was born, his health became an issue. We were told how to deal with it, how to prevent further damage to his body. How to prolong his life. And I jumped on board. I learned everything I could. Changed everything that needed to be changed. And he rebelled. He would not allow his health to dictate his life. If it killed him, so be it…. and no thought for me left behind with two children to raise alone.

I don’t know exactly where in all of this his affection for me waned. But wane it did. We had a regular fight… every 90 Days… like clock work:

Me: You’ve got to engage! You’ve got to be a part of the family! You’ve got to give a damn!

Him: I know, I’m sorry! I’ll do better!

Me: You leave me vulnerable, Husband. You remove your affection and your love and you leave me vulnerable. Some day some man is going to walk into our lives… and I won’t be able to say no… because I’m so starved for love and affection.

Him: That’s not going to happen.

There were men that crossed my path and made overtures. One specifically asked me to leave my children and my husband for him, no preamble, no relationship, just request. One was also in a troubled marriage and wanted to leave together. One was a younger man, a Dom, that was in the midst of an affair with another family member. I confidently said, “No” to them, even when I didn’t want to. The only one I told him about was the first. He responded by claiming me as his territory. For a few days. Then his interest waned. Again.

He became an angry bitter man, feeling trapped in his world… taking his frustrations out on us.

I did everything I could think of to get his attention. I lost weight, I made myself up, I chose hard projects and accomplished them, I begged, I pleaded, I consoled, I demanded, I yelled and screamed. Nothing reached him. And finally he stopped seeing me at all. I tested this theory that I was invisible to him for a month. I went to bed without panties on in a nightgown for a week. No notice. I went to bed naked for a week. No notice. I intentionally left a wet spot on his side of the bed, while climbing into bed myself. No comment. No notice because he didn’t see me.

I had come to the realization that I was a trophy collecting dust on his bookshelf of life. One of the many things he collected and set aside, forgotten. Over the years I had dragged him to five different marriage counselors, each promising to help, and each telling me not to bother. I desperately wanted my marriage to work. I desperately wanted my children to have both parents. But it seemed I was the only one that wanted that. And so… I started piecing together a plan. And stashing away money and I hired a lawyer… and I asked him to leave. He refused at first. He made promises we both knew he wouldn’t keep. He reminded me of promises made in the undiscovered knowledge of his addictions.

He told me he would fight for me, which we both knew he wouldn’t do, because he never really did. And as we sat there, listening to him grasp at anything to keep his family together, including the lies he told himself, I watched my forever slip into its coffin and close the lid. I listened to it gasp it’s last breaths and die. And everything within me shattered.

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…sigh….

Daddy and I have a strained relationship with a friend.

I don’t know all the details of what transpired between the two of them. I know what Daddy has shared with me. I know what I have surmised from what I know. But neither of us fully know what happened.

I could rant about this friends’ disappearance from our world. I could rail against them. I could scream about feeling let down and betrayed, or disappointed.

But that’s not how I feel. I’m just…sad…

I find myself missing them. Missing the interaction we had, the three of us. I find myself wondering if they’re alright. If an ill family member is alright. I wonder if they’ve been notified of a promotion yet. But mostly I just wonder….

People come and go from our lives. Throw in the added element of this lifestyle and that ‘go’ part of the equation seems to rise exponentially when secrets abound. Spouses that disapprove, families that don’t know and find out, risk of exposure at work or socially.

I’ve been surprised with my lack of negative emotion towards this person. When you remove the boundaries and speak openly about your desires and your heart and your life…it’s hard to be angry when someone makes choices to be protective of those things.

So… we wonder… and we wait… and we surmise… and we don’t know… we may never know what happened…. if this person is safe… I pray they are. I want good things for them. But… I’ll never know.

And I’m learning to be ok with that.

Need

“I’m really liking this. I’ve never had someone I’ve loved, besides you, who actually wanted to suck me because they liked it for itself or because they wanted to service me. I’ve had women who loved sucking cock, but no one I’ve been emotional invested in.” -Daddy in response

I teased Daddy today. I had a strong need to have him in my mouth today. Not my throat, my mouth…. to simply suck him. I wanted to wake him up that way…

So I sent him this…. throughout the morning… while he was at work… and could do nothing…

Sigh

I would have enjoyed waking you up in my mouth today.

I have a strong need today to simply suck your cock, not in my throat… just suck you.

Lips on the tip

Tongue swirling the edge

Eyes looking at you watching yourself disappear into my mouth. Tongue running the underside firmly slowly

In no hurry

Just sucking you

Lips held tight around the soft skin, the underside of my tongue gliding over the top of your tip.

Sliding off eyes on yours

are you enjoying my mouth Daddy?

*Bites lip*

Shall I continue …?

*licks leaking tip*

Or wait until you can focus on me… with your hands…

*smiles* eventually I will enjoy you painting me.

But I will always enjoy your cock in my mouth.

And it will always be emotional for me.

My tongue curling around your balls.

Taking one into my mouth, gently sucking it.

Just you

In my mouth

Me sucking you

Until you cum

Because my mouth pleases you

That’s all I want today

Moving my lips over to your other ball, licking it, swirling my tongue around your sack

Eyes peeking up at you thru my lashes, green and gold watching every breath, every movement , listening to each in take of air as my lips and tongue bring your balls into the wet warmth of my mouth.

Holding you there , eyes on yours… my finger tips move to your cock, over my face, My nails trace the hard marbly veins of you.

Releasing you, my lips drag up the underside kissing your cock as I move to the end, and over the top lips moving across the top and back to the tip.

My hand framing your base, flat against your body, forefinger and thumb secure around you

Watching you as I open my mouth, wide, tongue out, hovering at the tip. My hot breath bathing you in me. Then carefully moving my mouth over the tip, sliding you along my tongue down into my mouth, closing my lips around you, my mouth clamping down on you as I begin to bob my head on your hard cock, sliding you in and out…. not slowly… but at a decidedly slower pace than you want.

Each slide out a hard suck and each slide in a gentle giving way

My fingers moving from your body to the base of you

Wrapping firmly around you

Moving across your shaft in rhythm of my mouth’s ministry to your cock

Feeling your need increase, but not increasing my pace

Steady …. methodical

Just a stroke below what you want

Teasing … building… pushing your control

Your fingers laced in my red hair…. attempting to gain that stroke…

You thrusting into my mouth

Tightening my fingers around you with each thrust

Eyes looking up at you, a small smile in them enjoying watching you want

Watching your need build in you

Watching your instincts start to take control as you grab my head and thrust your hips to me. Finding that rhythm you want

Hand squeezing around your cock

Mouth clamping around you

Sucking you hard

Moving against your thrust out to the tip and back in to meet you… moving at your pace… feeling that familiar pulse underneath

( what do you want baby? Do you want to paint me or cum in my mouth?)

(I want you to paint yourself)

(*smiles* any particular location ?)

(Mouth, nose, everywhere)

I move my right hand down to my pussy and slather my wet over it.

Using my pussy juice to wet my hand.

Letting you skip out of my mouth and gripping you with my pussy hand

Stroking you tightly

My face below your cock, mouth open, waiting for those think ropes of cum … feeling you pulse in my hand as your orgasm starts, hearing you grunt and moan my name, your seed splashing onto my eyes, my Cheeks, my nose, each pump spewing thick cords across my face, my mouth, my chin.

My hand milking you, another rope dripping off my chin onto my chest.

Your head Back lost in the sensation of pleasure rolling through your body.

Holding onto my head.

OMFG- Daddy’s response to me…. I think he liked it….

Willing

Daddy and I **finally** got to play a full scene online New Years Eve.

It was… oh my! He had me rather wet and aroused, and Daddy fully enjoyed the aggressive attention I gave him via the characters we had chosen. It was all so… delicious….

But not the point of this post…

Sometimes in the heat of a moment a darker thought can arise. And one did. I didn’t fully catch it during play, but when I read back through it the next morning. And it struck me. Hard. I had an almost panicked moment… does he want that? O! Does he want that?!? It took a few hours to wrap my head around the idea.

Much later I brought it up, because we need to talk about these things. I need to know if he does, so I can make a choice if I’m willing.

He was already aware of how that idea would hit me and had already decided: 1) to discard it out of hand, based on current boundaries and 2) bring it up so I would know.

But I had several issues with this.

Daddy tells me regularly that there’s very little he wouldn’t do to bring me pleasure. I found myself with the same thought, however I have more boundaries than he does.

Through the course of the conversation I asked him if he wanted to explore it. He kept answering “no, because you wouldn’t enjoy it”. Well… that was not my question… I heard ‘yes’. I heard ‘no’. But I always heard an answer based in me and what he’s presuming to be my current boundaries without asking or discussing it with me.

I had given this dark thought some pondering. I had walked through how it would work and what would be required and the impact it might have on our play life and our relationship. I had thought through my stance. I had more than simply , ” No thanks, Babe”.

However, he made a choice to not even consider if he wanted to explore because he thought he knew I would not want to explore. And I had huge issue with that.

“My concern is you are dismissing it ( and thus maybe other things) because you’ve made a decision I won’t be agreeable ( regardless of whether or not I would be), without stating to me that it is something you want.

Just as you are willing to do almost anything to please me, I’m willing to do almost anything to please you.

But I can’t push my boundaries unless you tell me without making that decision for me.”

He agreed that was a fair point, then made one of his own. There’s a difference between willing and want. I may be willing to explore something, but a topic of this nature requires both of us want to explore.

So I took a moment to ponder that. I was willing because I wanted to let him explore something he might enjoy. But I decidedly did not want to explore it for myself. At least not right now.

I explained that thought to him, admitting he was right on this topic. But I need him to discuss these things with me, and I want to revisit the things we turned away occasionally… as I’ve already proven a hard boundary can turn soft in the right context ( Proven here and Here and Here).

He did eventually tell me he did not want to explore this topic. It was a fun thought in the moment, but not one he wants to be a part of us. I can accept that. And we agreed to revisit it later.

I’ve never had a relationship where open honest communication – from both sides- worked so well and so completely. In those moments that distance creates doubt, I find security in knowing he gives me everything. I know what he’s thinking- usually. I expect certain commands and instructions. And I’m usually right. The flip side is so does he. Because we can speak so openly without fear of judgement, he knows where my head and heart lie. In this distance that’s just as important as knowing I love him.

New Homework: Jewelry

I have accessories I am to wear and get used to. I’ve taken pictures for Daddy to show him how they look, nestled inside my ass.

I must admit. I enjoy them, but it doesn’t take long for that little jewel to pinch!

*squirming* Or become uncomfortable to sit on.

Someone said he was looking forward, when we are together, to removing it from me. Slowly.

Ohhhh…. yes… please….

And he’s considering another assignment… oh… I’m not certain I’m going to like that one, but I will do as Daddy instructs… and I might learn to enjoy it.

*squiggle*

Want

*Sigh*

That I could wave a wand.

Or conjure you up from a simple wisp.

Kiss your waiting lips.

Touch your velvet skin.

That your deep voice would wash over me, firm and commanding.

Your fist tangled in my hair.

Your blue eyes drinking me in.

That your ethereal presence would be tangible before me.

*Sigh*

That I could wave a wand.

Or conjure you up from a simple wisp.

Seasons

Last week I took my eldest and a friend of his to a local Christmas light display. It’s several city blocks and a known local attraction. The other two kids and the ex wanted to come. I’m not interested in preventing his relationship with the kids, so I did not protest.

I sent eldest and friend to scout by themselves. Which left ex and me with two kids. For the first time since I can remember… I was excited about Christmas. I honestly don’t remember the last time I was excited about Christmas. But I could feel bubbling up in me. It was a lovely joyful feeling I have missed for so many years.

And all was well… until he decided it wasn’t. He became passive aggressive and complained about any choice made by others. He stood behind me and growled about the crowds, and sighed and huffed because I was not moving through the non-moving crowed fast enough for him…and I remembered why I hated Christmas.

We even topped the night off with a lovely passive aggressive fight he picked, in front of all the kids.  Sigh… I hate it when he confirms I made the right choice. It grieves my heart that he makes effort to create descension, but couldn’t  use the same effort to create harmony.  And it breaks my heart to see my kids stepping away from him. Stepping away from the only dad they know. His health is not the best and they will wantbthrde yesrs back. I tell them frequently, “ There will come a day, you will long to be able to fight with him” . They don’t believe me.

I know these days will pass. This season will come to an end. And we will survive the trauma.  I know, somewhere in the distance, is the day I get to bring Daddy slowly into their lives and show them what it means to be loved, and cared for and held accountable.  I know these things… but looking into the green eyes that mirror mine and the blue eyes that crave safety…. it’s too far off… too far into the distance….